why aren’t i moving?

I don’t know when it all started, maybe at conception or birth, but it’s been a horrible and ridiculous ride through the highest parts of hell and the lowest parts of heaven. I wish, I wish, I wish.. I could say more, do more, be more. But I’m paralyzed, I’m scared of living and dream of death. How fucked up must this all be, for it to become an obession, an oasis, a relief for me. Where did it all go wrong? please tell me how to fix this, fix myself. I feel dead, and I don’t know what to do, be or say. I feel as though if I breathe the wrong way, I might send myself into a full blown psychotic episode. Or if I go out in public, hang with friends, go to college, breathe, speak, move, that it will happen, again, and it scares me half to death. I can’t do anything wrong or it will all come cumbling down on top of me and suffocate me more than it always does. Maybe none of this is real, and I’m already in a psychotic episode and none of this is truly how it’s supposed to be. Fuck, I hate this, I hate myself, I hate life and living. I’m scared to live but I’m scared to die.