Death (TW)

Death is my obession, my oasis and my peace of mind. Since early childhood and adolescence It’s seemed as though I was up in the sky, looking down on myself, going through the dreded and painful motions, movements, and tasks of being a “human being.” As I’ve suspected normal people feel sadness here and there, but never enough depression to the point that blowing their brains out and biting their arm till blood is driping down their arm, would be a relief, of sorts. Little did I know my life from the ages of 3-9 would forever change the course of my life. It’s permenantly sentenced me to life without parole, for I am a disaster of an abnormal monster. I see and hear dead people, see myself morph into a shadow in the mirror, and have weird perceptual experineces: seeing the room spinning around me, the walls closing in, my heart feeling like it’s going to explode out of my chest and splash all over the walls, thinking I saw a shooting going down, seing figures and eyes in the dark, and so much more. That I don’t ever wanna speak about. It feels so unreal to the point where biting no longer provides me relief from the hallucinations and Delusions. Where I no longer receive gratification, pleasure, relief, happiness, or satisfaction from participating in society, doing normal human tasks, faking normal behaviors, and faking emotions to seem “okay” or “better.” to satisfy the needs of the people around me.